Starbucks Coffee shut down nearly 7,100 stores last night from 5:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. last night to “teach, educate and share [their] love of coffee and the art of espresso” with their employees. Here is an hour-by-hour recap of one fictional coffee addict’s grueling struggle through this terrible ordeal.
5:30 P.M:
Well, work is finally over, and I’m ready for my afternoon brew at the local Starbu…wait. I remember; they’re doing some silly training today to make a better espresso. I guess I can wait for a little while to get a cup of joe.
6:30 P.M:
You know, this whole “no coffee” thing isn’t so hard. I’m not feeling the effects of withdrawal as much as I thought I would. I haven’t started shaking or wanting to try heroin yet, so it’s possible I could kick the habit entirely. Thanks, Starbucks! Without your shutdown, I’d never have found it inside me to beat this personal demon.
7:30 P.M:
Things are getting difficult…I can’t…think, everything is going too fast. I need some coffee. I’m so tired. Why is Starbucks doing this to me? They must have a personal vendetta against my happiness and want me to slog through the remainder of my night as a worthless zombie. I’m seriously considering just going to another coffee shop…
8:30 P.M:
I’m standing in line outside of Starbucks right now…I need my Venti no whip non-fat soy milk Latte or someone. Will. Die.
Update 8:34 P.M:
Never has a Venti no whip non-fat soy milk Latte tasted so good!
there is no such thing as a venti no whip non fat soy milk latte at starbucks.
you can only have a venti non fat latte or a venti soy latte.
LATTE’S DON’T COME WITH WHIP!